The truth is out there, and our skeptical host is on its trail. Andrew Klavan explores the father of all conspiracy theories: The Obama Conspiracy Theory Conspiracy Theory! Is Obama a Muslim? Is Obama Gay? Is Obama the antichrist? It’s time you learned the revolting truth!
I’m Andrew Klavan and this is the Revolting Truth.
In today’s heated political climate, debate too often devolves into absurd and baseless personal attacks leavened with childish ridicule. That’s why we’re here. But for a change of pace, and in a spirit of bi-partisan good will, the Revolting Truth is today going to expose and debunk some of the more popular and more paranoid right wing conspiracy theories about our dear leader, President Barack Obama.
Let’s begin with the nasty suspicion that our president is a secret Muslim. According to this theory, Obama was born to a Muslim father and raised by a Muslim step-father. He was registered as Muslim in the Catholic school he attended as a boy in Indonesia and again at the public school where he received Islamic religious training. As president, he inherited an American victory in Iraq but suspiciously allowed the place to be taken over by Islamic terrorists. Also suspiciously, he refuses to call Islamists Islamists. And he even responded to the Islamist murder of Americans at Benghazi by declaring that the future must not belong to those who slander Mohammed. And okay, all that’s true. But no, he’s not a Muslim. He worshipped for twenty years at Chicago’s Trinity United Church of Christ where his pastor Jeremiah Wright ceaselessly denigrated and damned the United States, and declared we deserved the Islamist slaughter of innocents on nine-eleven. So clearly, there’s nothing wrong with Obama’s religion.
Another conspiracy theory has it that Obama is secretly homosexual. According to this theory, Obama was part of a Chicago Down Low Club that allowed him to frequent gay sex venues while hiding the truth behind an empty marriage. The flimsy evidence for this story rests in charges that Obama is an effeminate wimp who’s bossed around by his wife. And that’s absurd. In fact, many gay men are very strong and masculine. Alexander the Great, Lawrence of Arabia, that secret service guy who saved the life of President Ford and even one of the brave heroes of United Flight 93 – they were all gay. And Obama could never do anything that cool. Plus at Mandela’s funeral, Obama flirted with that babe who runs Denmark… until Michelle made him move to another seat. So it’s obvious he’s just an effeminate straight man who’s bossed around by his wife. I’m glad we could put those ugly rumors to rest.
Then of course there’s the contention that Obama is the Antichrist. This was popularized in a youtube video that took the words of Jesus — “I beheld Satan as lightning falling from the heights” — and translated lightning into Hebrew as Baraq and the word heights as U-Bama. But this is ridiculous since Jesus was probably speaking Aramaic in which the word for lightning is Harrai and the word for heights is Re-id.
Finally there’s the conspiracy theory that Obama’s election was actually engineered by right wing bigots who wanted to put the most dishonest and incompetent black man they could find in the White House so that no African American would ever be elected president again. That one’s true. No, I’m kidding. No, really, I just made that up. Really. Forget I ever said it. And tell no one.
I’m Andrew Klavan with the Revolting Truth.