McINNES: An Open Letter From Radical Islam

Dear America,

Please stop. We can’t take it anymore. After the Charlie Hebdo Massacre, we assumed you’d all be cowering in fear but you had a parade and held hands. It was devastating and many of us here in the extremist Muslim community were stunned. We felt like the Grinch after he stole all those presents and people came out to celebrate Christmas anyway. This is because the values present in children’s cartoons translate perfectly to our particular brand of extremist ideology.

When some of you held a pencil in the air, our blood curdled. Does this mean you might be drawing offensive cartoons, too? Thank Allah, you didn’t. One can only imagine what it would have felt like if the media hadn’t blurred out pictures of the cartoons. Our heads probably would have exploded and I don’t think you become a martyr for that type of explosion.

The only solace we had in the reactions to our beautifully planned assault was the lack of participation from America. “Even America is abandoning the French heathens,” we said to each other in the days following January 7th. Barely a week later you dropped a bomb that completely wiped out our victory. You sent your Secretary of State and the guy who sings, “How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You)” over to Paris to sing a song.

I told my comrades not to panic and insisted this tour de force was temporary but just as I was convincing everyone of this (including me) your folksy ambassador uttered the words, “Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call.” That is all four seasons. Mr. Kerry and his five-time Grammy award-winning friend left us no time of the year when America is not willing to “come running” to France. Touché, America. Checking in on your friends was a checkmate move.

This all wouldn’t have been so brutal if it hadn’t been a relentless attack since we first got involved in this war. When we first met, we thought you’d be like the Soviets in Afghanistan. You’d lose 15,000 or so. We’d lose more like 100,000 and we’d get our land back. George W. Bush was a worthy adversary but fighting this new administration of the Great Satan is a living hell.

We are referring, of course, to hashtags.

Boko Haram was thriving and successfully striking fear into the hearts of infidels across all of Africa. We thought it was a bit rich when they kidnapped those girls and our trepidation was confirmed when the president’s wife, the First Lady, held up a piece of paper with #BringBackOurGirls on it accompanied by a facial expression that was clearly not messing around. We have not heard from them since. It is believed they are in exile likely bawling their eyes out.

The hashtags haven’t ceased since and reached nuclear levels at the Golden Globes when George Clooney wore a #JeSuisCharlie pin. We are all huge fans of Hollywood culture and being eschewed by the likes of Kathy Bates, Helen Mirren, and William H. Macey is something we will never recover from. Imagine being too ashamed to watch Shameless.

Your most Machiavellian technique had us baffled for years and was by far the most damaging. Embracing Islam and constantly decrying Islamophobia didn’t make any sense to us at first. The president promises “the future must not belong to those who slander the prophet of Islam” and assures us he will “stand with the Muslims should the political winds shift in an ugly direction.” He has Muslim converts over as honored guests at the White House and promises to release our POWs.

This openness toward our religion has led to a whole world of homegrown terrorism that has been inexorably linked to every major attack on the West since 9-11. We had no idea why you allowed our allies such as Anjem Choudary to openly radicalize Westerners until we had to decapitate them. That sucked. Cutting off the heads of infidels is easy but when it was time to “smite” Muslim Americans such as James Foley and David Haines “above the necks” our guys were hysterical. They could barely hold their knives. By allowing Islam to flourish and then sending these jihadists over to us, you are all but forcing us to kill our own. This is a cruel and unusual punishment to which the Soviets  never would never have stooped. Shame on you.

The other brilliant thing about this faux denial is we don’t get to take credit for our attacks. Your media claims “people behead for all sorts of reasons” and say it was “workplace violence.” The other day, I heard the NYPD is scrubbing its records of “Radicalization in the West: The Homegrown Threat.” How are we supposed to gloat when you keep denying we’ve done anything? We have converted your youth and convinced them to attack their own people. We have infiltrated your culture seamlessly and without opposition. That’s something to be proud of but we can’t brag if you won’t admit it.

In short, you’re cheating and we just can’t take it anymore. Please stop. We promise we’ll be totally reasonable from here on out.



The above fake letter is the only way what we’re doing could possibly make any sense and the fact that it makes no sense at all shows how ridiculous we’ve become. 


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